Settling...

Is for the dirt on the ground. Not your life.

Live it up.

Do what interests you, what lights you on fire, what turns you on.

IGNITE.

Adrenaline 1.1

The following experience happened in the beginning of august 2006. Life is for living.

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7am, I can't take the blow up mattress anymore. I can feel the ground underneath me every time I move and it's unpleasant so I revert to the couch under the window, the one with less sun shining on my face. Sirens yelled and dogs howled, it's 7:34am and I'm tired. I wrestle with the blanket and pillow to find my comfortable space, it works but still more sirens.

Last night I prayed I would wake up sick this morning, I didn't. My heart was beating abnormally fast, but it had been since I became aware we would be running Granite and the Numbers (kayak runs above the ability level I had ever run) around 4:30pm yesterday afternoon.

I contemplated playing sick, jumping off a cliff, lying about something waiting for me to do elsewhere, however the lies didn't suffice.

9am rolls around and I wake up again, this time just from a more rested stand point.

I use the bathroom and sit back down on the couch, staring out the window at the cloudy sky. Maybe it would rain, but who cares? Kayakers pray for rain and that would not be a way out. I got up off the couch and called Mom, told her the anxiety. She said not to run Granite/Numbers if I didn't feel comfortable. Mom's right. I had wished Bill would have been around to talk to, but realizing the last e-mail I had read from the Monsoon Warriors blog would put him right at the Upper Salt put in at 10am CO time.

I walked back into the house and went into the bathroom. My mouth had a faint blood taste, it was fear.

I had a decision to make and no one to make it for me.

I took Michael to Bongo Billy's but he wanted "real breakfast food." I was annoyed.

We walked to City Market. We bought muffins and fruit and whatnot and walked back to the house. We sat on the step outside and ate.

He looked at me and said, "It's okay to be scared."

My eyes swelled with tears but I said nothing, at first. I didn't want him to know.

Then I simply said, "I guess."

But I didn't think that coming to terms with my fear was going to help. Then, it was the moment that I realized I was stuck in between.

I had two options: Run it or Don't.

I didn't want to, not even a little bit. I knew that if I didn't, I would be upset with myself in knowing that I had the ability to try and succeed and if I did,

well, only the Universe could determine that.

It was time to go, do I stay and hike or do I at least go to the river and watch?

I go, gear in tow.

We get to the top of Granite and I finally conger up enough courage to tell Aubrie that I'm scared of the Numbers, flat out. S.C.A.R.E.D. Or maybe petrified, eh, call it what you will.

She understood. She knew where I was coming from and heard me when I told her. She asked what happened last time I ran it. I told her (she knew, she was there). She asked me what the worst thing that could happen to me if I didn't make a rapid, I looked at her and said, "I swim." She said, "exactly" and that's part of learning. She's right, I'm completely convinced to run Granite now, however, the Numbers is still being contemplated.

We run Granite with Little Pine Creek rapid. I don't flip. I sat forward and had vertical paddle strokes, right through the holes and swirly water. The rest of the 4 miles was easy class 3, but the "easy" kind that still has your heart dropping about 60 ft per mile (about the gradient of Granite) as you edge closer to triple drop. We pull into the eddy above Pine Creek and pull our boats out to portage. Aubrey, Amy (a girl we met at the put in), Michael and I walk Pine Creek and look at triple drop, a solid class IV rapid with three consecutive, river wide holes.

What the

f***

is going through my head. It's big and the water after it, that's big too, and a little bit down stream from it, oh yeah, that would also be big water. Amy agrees to run it, Aubrey has before and Michael plans to run it too. For the first time, they didn't matter. I mattered more than anything and the thought of running it, scared me. I didn't want to but I wasn't sure if it was the fear that didn't want to, or the possibility that it was over my head. As I stood on a giant rock waiting to watch Mikey, Mark and Zach (Amy's partner) run Pine Creek, I asked for a sign.

The beautiful sun shown through the clouds just then. I still hadn't drug my boat down to the put in, so I figured screw the sign, I'm hiking. I asked Aubrey how far the Numbers put in was so I could hike and she said "a mile."

I "un-screwed" the sign and drug my boat down to the put in for triple drop. Before I knew what was going on I was in the water paddling towards the eddy and Mark signals me to follow him.

I am at the top of the triple drop and I get spun around backwards. I go over the first drop backwards and flip going into the second one. I'm upside down in this rapid, I roll the first time. I'm still backwards. Oh good, the "backwards" current hates me, frickin' sweet, overboard. I roll. Still backwards but I'm over triple drop! I hit a small rock, into a hole, swallow half the river, choke, want to swim, shove my paddle to the surface, roll, FAST. (Thank God for textbook rolls).

Finally I get my boat spun around and see Mark in an eddy to the left, he calmly signals me to come that way and I do. I make the eddy, he tells me great job with a huge smile and I ask him if it counts, because I DID do most of it upside down.

Of course it counted.

My heart was beating about 14,000 ft per mile now. BUT I just conquered something so much bigger than a class IV rapid.

We run the rest down to the Numbers. It's more burly than Granite and considerably more burly than Brown's or the Upper Salt.

After running that, I decide to run Number 1 and if I swim, I decided, I'm pulling out and hiking it. I wasn't going to swim after that last battle roll boogie.

I ran all the Numbers straight through. I didn't flip until Number 4 and it was at the bottom in a funky hole. I rolled. We got out and scouted Number 5. I followed Mark, and if I could just follow Mark down the whole Number 5 rapid, like I had been following him in the other 4, I would be fine.

I went up to the top of the eddy and fairied a bit to follow him to just the right side of the rock in the middle of the river. I went down the drop paddling and leaning forward, I hit the second hole and paddled like hell. Went right through it. Mark turned around to tell me something and flipped.

Oh just f***ing great, the person's line I'm following just flipped and now I am skirting to the right of his upside down body, fricken sweet. Oh wait though... I just scouted the line, I watched Mikey run it and I know which line to take, so I ran it just a little left of center and then on down the center.

Holy crap, I just ran Numbers, through Number 5, without swimming or flipping in Number 5. I was in the Mamba 7.5 (my boat). I just did it and it included a solid class IV triple drop. Narley dudes.

Narley.

A conquered fear. A monumental day. A whole new boater.

<3